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Apr. 6th, 2010

Lost it for a little bit tonight. It's difficult for me, being vulnerable. I'm the strong, rational, reliable one; the one who keeps it together, the one who takes care of it all. When I need to break down Mike kinda freaks out. He can't handle it and I am left alone with no one to lean on for temporary comfort. He does his man thing of trying to "fix" me. Yes, I have read the pop-psych of "Men are from Mars.." that says that its just the way men deal, but I'm here to say its bullshit. He either does that or he tries really hard to ignore the fact that I'm crying. It's just frustrating because I think I deserve a little compassion and comfort too. I take care of everyone else but when I need it, no one wants to take care of me.

What set this all off was going to pick up pictures from my mother so I can scan and repair/edit them for Friday. She picked up the death certificate which details the whole of my uncle's cancer which started only 10 months ago. It didn't metastasize to his brain until four months ago, which, let's do the math, means that the doctors had 6 months to save his life. If at any point during that time the treatments had been even half as aggressive as they were starting in January, then he wouldn't be gone. Then going through the pictures I just lost it and started bawling. Then I tried to find my purple picture box and couldn't which didn't help matters at all.

I'm exhausted now. All the crying and having to deal with my man-child of a spouse is excessively tiring. Yet, there is much work still to be done and I am hours away from going to sleep.