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going through the motions on auto pilot, a waking coma, numbed. put on the pretty dress, the happy face, and make it through the day. do the job, say the lines, play the part just right so no one knows it's empty on the inside.

Sep. 9th, 2012

The Year Ahead

Forecast for September 2012 to September 2013

If You Were Born Today, September 9:Although you are a little hard to read, you are a gentle person with huge stores of compassion as well as many, many moods. As complicated as you may seem, you are uncomfortable with criticism and disharmony around you, and you grow to be an expert at smoothing over situations and calming people around you. You possess a wonderful balance between logic and intuition. Famous people born today: Michael Keaton, Otis Redding, Colonel Sanders, Hugh Grant, Adam Sandler, Michelle Sanders, Michael Buble.Your Birthday Year Forecast:You are likely to be especially busy this year, juggling many different activities. At times, you may feel like the pace of your life is running ahead of you. You can be especially productive, however, in all types of communications--writing, speaking, learning, teaching, and so forth.Mercury in challenging aspect to Jupiter suggests an inclination to attach greater meaning to your experiences. A tendency to overstate, and to neglect important details when making plans, is strong. You may have so very many ideas that you end up implementing none if you're not careful! You are likely to have increased opportunities for travel and/or new learning experiences.Venus-Uranus is a favorable influence for social meetings and events, and for situations that call for treating others with equality and respect. You may lose your fear of taking risks at this time, and happily embrace all that is new, unusual, and out-of-the-ordinary with regards to romantic involvements as well as financial undertakings. You are ready to experiment, but not necessarily ready to commit. This could be a good year for financial undertakings involving electronics, technology, the internet, metaphysics, and the arts, as well as group activities. You have a taste for the offbeat this year, and this energy can bring sudden or unexpected romance into your life, perhaps a scenario that feels like love at first sight. Childbirth is sometimes associated with this aspect.You are likely to make at least one significant new connection that boosts your confidence in yourself. This year, you are very likely to attract loving relationships and/or new warm social contacts into your life. Your popularity increases and efforts to smooth over challenges in partnerships are more likely to succeed. This is a good period for negotiations, marriage, and business partnerships.The year ahead is likely to be an especially busy one. However, focus is the major challenge and key to success this year. Ups and downs are possible in your social or romantic life, but overall, new connections and a more forward-looking, open attitude towards others figure strongly.2012 is a Number Five year for you. Ruled by Mercury. This is a year of exploration and freedom. It's a time when exploration and reaching out to others brings opportunities. It's a good time to advertise and sell. Surprises are in store, and the routine is broken. This is a year when exciting relationships can be formed, or, if you are already in a partnership, new life is breathed into the relationship. Advice - explore, look for adventure, keep your eyes open for opportunities, mingle.2013 will be a Number Six year for you. Ruled by Venus. This is a year of relative contentment. It is a time when love is the easiest to attract, and partnerships formed under this vibration have a better chance for longevity. You are able to attract others, and material things as well, this year. This is a good year for establishing harmony in the family and in the home. Advice - develop existing relationships, be positive and receptive because these kinds of energies help you to attract what you desire

Hindsight's a Bitch

The Year Ahead</p>

Forecast for September 2011 to September 2012

If You Were Born Today, September 9:

Although you are a little hard to read, you are a gentle person with huge stores of compassion as well as many, many moods. As complicated as you may seem, you are uncomfortable with criticism and disharmony around you, and you grow to be an expert at smoothing over situations and calming people around you. You possess a wonderful balance between logic and intuition. Famous people born today: Michael Keaton, Otis Redding, Colonel Sanders, Hugh Grant, Adam Sandler.

Your Birthday Year Forecast:

Romance is in the air this year - your sensuality, sex appeal, and animal magnetism are enhanced. Relationships tend to hold good levels of interest, and you might find it easier than usual to make connections. You feel ready to take on challenges in life due to a general feeling of being supported. If you are single, you could meet a romantic partner, and if in a relationship, you can successfully enhance your union. Or, a friendship can develop this year that helps boost your spirits and your confidence.

You are more aware of moral issues this year, and have a stronger than usual desire to improve and learn in the period ahead. Optimism and confidence are with you, and you are able to attract fortunate circumstances into your life as a result. Problems are easier to resolve this year. Travel opportunities are likely. You are likely to enjoy good humor, optimism, and a larger perspective on matters that keeps you from getting lost in details or overly frustrated by everyday stresses and strains. Be confident, but also grateful and humble, and this will help attract the things you want into your life. Opportunities to advance your personal interests are especially strong in April 2012.

If you are an artist, this could be an especially inspired, imaginative, and productive year. It's a strong year for engaging in creative projects and for joining in groups working towards a common goal. Competitive activities may often work in your favor - positive outcomes in competitive activities, including sports and business, are likely.

There may be a project, idea, or person that demands much of your attention or occupies much of your thoughts. You are especially resourceful. Err on the side of caution if offers arrive that seem too good to be true, however. Some confusion or possibly deception could arise in communications this year, and you may be skipping important details without even realizing it. Your imagination is stirred, but you may not always follow through on your ideas.

Your social life is likely to be animated and pleasing this year. Your love nature is stimulated, and others tend to notice your attractiveness more than usual. The ability to see the big picture helps you to stay confident and optimistic, and to stress less over the little things. Creative and group projects can thrive in the period ahead, but follow-through should be something to cultivate.

2011 is a Number Four year for you. Ruled by Uranus. This is a year of work and development. It's "nose to the grindstone" time. It's a time to deal with practical matters, and it's not a time to be lazy or especially gregarious. Sometimes, it can be a year that feels hard, monotonous and routine, and/or lonely. Advice - get yourself organized, work to build your resources, keep busy.

2012 will be a Number Five year for you. Ruled by Mercury. This is a year of exploration and freedom. It's a time when exploration and reaching out to others brings opportunities. It's a good time to advertise and sell. Surprises are in store, and the routine is broken. This is a year when exciting relationships can be formed, or, if you are already in a partnership, new life is breathed into the relationship. Advice - explore, look for adventure, keep your eyes open for opportunities, mingle.

Eloisa to Abelard
By Alexander Pope
In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love!—From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Read more...Collapse )
“My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

Apr. 6th, 2010

Lost it for a little bit tonight. It's difficult for me, being vulnerable. I'm the strong, rational, reliable one; the one who keeps it together, the one who takes care of it all. When I need to break down Mike kinda freaks out. He can't handle it and I am left alone with no one to lean on for temporary comfort. He does his man thing of trying to "fix" me. Yes, I have read the pop-psych of "Men are from Mars.." that says that its just the way men deal, but I'm here to say its bullshit. He either does that or he tries really hard to ignore the fact that I'm crying. It's just frustrating because I think I deserve a little compassion and comfort too. I take care of everyone else but when I need it, no one wants to take care of me.

What set this all off was going to pick up pictures from my mother so I can scan and repair/edit them for Friday. She picked up the death certificate which details the whole of my uncle's cancer which started only 10 months ago. It didn't metastasize to his brain until four months ago, which, let's do the math, means that the doctors had 6 months to save his life. If at any point during that time the treatments had been even half as aggressive as they were starting in January, then he wouldn't be gone. Then going through the pictures I just lost it and started bawling. Then I tried to find my purple picture box and couldn't which didn't help matters at all.

I'm exhausted now. All the crying and having to deal with my man-child of a spouse is excessively tiring. Yet, there is much work still to be done and I am hours away from going to sleep.


Rough Night

Working on music for the funeral. Since none of my family has sent me their suggestions and I'm working off my library, it seems more like I've put together my own funeral music. Mom and I found the spot at Bay Pine National Cemetery where we will have the service. Its near the wall and there is room for the honor guard, musicians for taps, and whatever else a military service entails. It has pews, electricity, and running water. When we went there yesterday the whole place reeked of rotting Easter lilies. We only get 30 minutes at the actual cemetery since they conduct 6 services per day there, so afterward we will move over to a pavilion at the park next door. Its been decided that my eldest cousin, Ryan, will receive the flag. Eric is going to get the jacket that Uncle Ron wore in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait along with his purple heart and medals. Jamie is just ten, so she doesn't really want much. I still have to select the flowers, but when I tried to go to Seminole Florist yesterday, they were closed. I have to take the urn to Moss Feaster, and get the formal photo enlarged, matted and framed. I'm feeling overwhelmed since I don't get off of work until nearly 7.

The unimportant things

Ten years ago today, I borrowed my mom's car, drove down to Seminole McDonalds, and put in an application for my first job. That seemingly trivial impulse decision changed a lot in my life, for better or worse. It's funny the things that you remember on lazy Sunday mornings.


One week ago today my Uncle Ron died. His stage 4 metastatic melanoma finally beat him at the age of only 42. I was with him when he passed. Just me and his stupid wench of a girlfriend. It was messy. Very messy. I was with my grandfather when he passed away as well but it was quiet. This was just awful. My mom landed on her flight from PR just 35 minutes afterward. Mike had my 10 year old cousin down in the cafeteria, my aunt and grandmother went down to the front of the hospital to meet the boys, so it was just me and the wench. I called them up as soon as I recognized the rattle but it was too late by the time they made it back up. I was supposed to keep it together and make sure my grandmother was ok. I was supposed keep the level head and handle things, but I did a shit job. I kept it together but I made mistakes. Like I forgot to make sure that we had his clothes left for the dressing or I forgot to ask for bathing supplies from the nurses, and I didn't call the right funeral home. FUCK! Everyone left the hospital except me. I stayed and waited with my uncle for the hour it took my mom to get from TPA to Moffitt. When she got there she did all the right things, but we had to dress him and lay him out in hospital gown. We washed him, and shaved him, and put new sheets under him. I can still feel his dead skin under my hands. Lividity had set in. His back was turning purpley and a puncture hole in his arm began to leak. The worst part is that this was his fifth and final biochemo treatment and it was working. He really looked great. But a small portion of the tumor actually made it to his brain and bled out. when we first got to the hospital at 3am his right side was paralyzed, like a stoke victim. Luckily I was able to hold the phone up to his ear and let my mom and my uncle scott talk to him. He opened his eyes and made a noise so I know that he heard them.
On Wednesday we began to make the arrangements. He is entitled to a full veteran memorial service. Cremations are absurdly expensive, which I know is the last thing that we should think about, but its ridiculous. The VA provides the space for the urn down at BayPines along with a space for my aunt along with the plaques to mark the spaces. The cremation itself is $3000 for the basic one, no embalming, no viewing, no urn, no nothing, just setting him on fire. Plus $75 for the death certificate, $40 fee for the medical examiner to sign off on it, $250 for the obituary and a $150 fee to have the body moved from Tampa to Clearwater. I bought the urn today for $600 (which btw is the 2nd time in 18 months I have had to shop for an urn online at work.) The flowers will reach in excess of $400. Plus I have to put together pictures and books for the viewing. Not to mention the money for the food and liquor for the gathering after the service. My mom and I have the money, so its not a problem of being cheap or not being able to afford it, but the whole thing just makes me feel like we are being taken advantage of. How do people without access to cash take care of this stuff? I think I'm only ranting about trivial shit to help stave off the guilt and pain.
To make it all worse, I had to attend the Top Manager Trip from Thursday to Sunday. My mom yelled at me and told me I had to go. Which I did, but I had a rough time of it. I was able to dull the pain with the help of four days of open bars. However within minutes of getting through our front door and reading a sympathy card from Mikes aunt, I lost it.
My assistant is officially on bedrest for the next six weeks until her due date, so I have no coverage for 5 months. Its just me at work, so I had to beg for a few hours off and coverage from another branch on the 9th in order attend the funeral. Even though I changed my vacation twice, came back from my trip early, and will be functioning without days off for the better part of two quarters, I was given a hard time about getting coverage for 5 hours. Such BS.
Plus, the stupid wench decided that it would be appropriate to post pictures of my uncle on facebook, post mortem. Who the fuck does that?
Well that's mortifying.
I'm having a day and I'm in a mood.   :(


First day of School

Gwennie's in kindergarten, Aaron's in first grade, and I just wrote a paper entitled "The Neolithic Revolution and the Rise of Patriarchy." God I love the start of the school year!


Snippet of our DC Vacation

Road Trip 2009

Aaron finishes kindergarten in just 6 school days.  I have scheduled my vacation around his last week of school and Mike and I have decided that this is the perfect time to start taking summer vacations with the kids.  The inaugural trip will be to Washington DC which seems more than appropriate since this year in school both the kids followed the election and learned about government and such.  I went with my family (when I say "family" I mean mom, Brooke, Tatman grandparents, Heather, Mandi, Kenny, Charlotte and Mackayla. Yeah, LOTS of family)  when I was 12 and had a great time.  Mike went when he was a kid too but appearently never went to any of the museums or visited any of the monuments, so I really don't know what he and his parents did....  

Anyways we've decided to camp in Shanendoah National Park which is a little out of the way but seems worth it.  I'm really not a fan of the over commercialized campgrounds and the kids are too little to go backcountry, at least in my opinion. (Ok lets rephrase that, I don't have the patience to take Mike, my biggest whiner, and the kids, who have yet to develop strong hiking legs, backcountry camping.)  Anyways we are really excited. 

My mom used to make the 18 hour drive from Seminole to Akron every year with us and from there we went camping all over the place. The last year we went at all I was 16 and we went to Niagara Falls.  I haven't been on an extensive road trip since then, and the last time I went camping was in 2002 down in the keys with Mike.  I'm practically jumping-up-and-down giddy that the kids are finally old enough to do this stuff with and that Mike is eager as well since he never did it growing up. 

We will be leaving on June 4th.  Mike and the kids will pick me up from the TIA around 7:30pm after a quick business trip and we will leave straight from the airport as soon as I can peel off my suit. We decided to make the first long trip a night trip to ease the kids into it.  (Thank goodness my mom bought me a dual screen dvd players for the car a few years ago.) Doing most of the driving at night makes for fewer Mommy-I-HAVE-to-go-potty's and less highway traffic.  Its a 15 to 16 hour trip so the kids will wake up while we are well into the mountains, something they have never seen.  We should get to the park around 11, just in time for check in. We can set up camp and just chill for a while.  We will probably do some hiking and exploring, but mostly just relaxing and enjoying family time.  The next two days we will go into the city and do the whole tourist thing.  For the third day I want to visit the Antietam Battlefield and then head into Baltimore. Day four we start to head home but not before stopping in Colonial Williamsburg and Historic Jamestown.   From there it's i-95 all the way back to the Sunshine State, but in true road trip fashion we will take our time indulging in whatever scenic side trips and roadside whatevers that catch our eyes. It should be an adventure and I hope this is the start of a great family tradition.


Puerto Rico

I went to Puerto Rico to visit my mom for Mother's Day. Here is a very small selection of pictures that I took. Many of them were taken from the car so there is a good deal of motion blur. As for the rainforest shots, well it was raining and very thickly covered in fog.



I forgot to mention that its the Westbay branch that I am going to.  i worked there as a PFR before getting the promotion to asst.  The branch manager that I am replacing, my old manager, the one who tried to cock block my promo so i could stay a pfr and keep producing for her.. yeah she got demoted... to PFR.  I am trying not to enjoy that fact too much.



Not only do I still have a job, but after my branch closes I will be moving to a bigger branch, getting a larger staff, and getting a raise!  Hells yeah!  I can sleep again.

The joy of customer service

The notices went out to customers that my branch is "moving" down to the Westbay location.  All week long I've had to console people because they have to drive an extra 3 miles out of their way to make their biweekly deposits when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs that I dont give a fuck because I might not have a job!

I having a cranky day.


Mother of the year...

Brooke had her baby on Tuesday, nearly a week after her due date.  The baby only weighs 5 lbs and looks skeletal.  She smoked through her entire pregnancy.  Oh and shes breastfeeding and still smoking, which means the baby is still getting the toxins.  Way to go little sister.

This comes only months after my grandfather died of small cell lung cancer. 


That's right...

My sister named her kid after a stupid whore on MTV.  Yep.  Thats Brooke all right.  What a horrible name......


I'm the world's biggest push over....

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make my sister look even remotely maternal? Epic fail on my part.  Definitely not my best work.....  oh well.  You can't win them all.


Happy Yule


Dec. 21st, 2008

My Christmas tree has Optimus Prime on it.



You don't have to lie about where you've been.
We both know you've been schemin'.
So why don't you give your little voice a rest,
climb on up inside my bed, and just pretend you need me?

You don't have to lie about what you know.
We both know that I've been sufferin'.
And I don't need to be your only one,
and I don't need your comfortin',
I just need you with me.

Stay, Stay, Stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, and don't you ever run away from me.

Oh,and if she ever let's you down,
after she has run out of your money?
Well then just crawl on back to me, I'm the one that
sets you free, and I'm the one that needs you.

And if she ever let's you go,
we both know what you'll be needin'.
And if you need somewhere to rest,
somewhere to lay your
head, you'll know where to find me.

Stay, Stay, Stay with me.
Stay, stay with me.
Stay, and don't you ever run away from me.

And if you need somewhere to rest,
somewhere to lay your head, you know where to find me.

Stay with me!

I can't live another day,
I won't live another day without you baby!
Stay with me!

Turn down the headlights. Empty the ashtrays.
Sweep out of the airway, what's left of our time.
Oh, you can use my body to
do what you have to, but stay a little longer, stay with me.